I’m driving home and listening to Ed Sheerans new song, Thinking Out Loud, and pondering how this would be a great song for the first dance at my wedding. It’s something I’ve dreamt about for a while, getting married, having kids and settling down into life. That’s what is expected of people anyway, isn’t it? Then I get sad and a tear slips down my face. I start to think that really and truly, that’s not going to happen. It’s not going to be the picture perfect life that I had once envisioned for myself. There are many obstacles in me getting to that place, and I don’t think I have the fight in me anymore. My life has felt like a fight. A fight to be recognised. A fight to be accepted. A fight to be loved for who I am. Most of those fights have been with others, but mostly, it is a fight within me. It’s been hard to recognise, accept and love myself for who I am.
At that moment in time, I make a decision. I decide to free myself from the shackles that I had put myself in. This has been a theme for me recently, letting go of old dreams and wishes. An internal clutter clearing. I realise that I as I let go of one dream, there is another that has also been holding me back. When I think about the opportunities that I have missed because I was holding out for the happily married with kids life, or the life as a school teacher, I find myself full of regret. I wonder what for. Why didn’t I take the opportunities to have more fun in my life, to experience life for what it has to offer me now. I wonder why I wasn’t more present in my life. It was because I was living for tomorrow, and not for the now.
Being present is hard. I know that for me, I am worried about what has happened or I am worried about what may be. However, I’ve realised that I can only do so much about the past and future, so I find myself in the present. It’s a strange place to be, but if you only had this moment in your life, what would you do with it? I know that I would have more fun and not worry too much about what others think, but find that place within me that is ready to recognise, accept and love myself for who I am.